Good Communication and Avoiding Argument Loops
On this episode, we talk about good communication and interview relationship therapist Andrea Dindinger, LMFT about couples getting stuck in loops.
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We KNOW that good communication is important to success…so why do we ignore the warning signs that we aren’t communicating well?
It’s often easier to just go with the flow and avoid conflict…but by not addressing communication issues when they come up you often only make them worse.
Below are THREE issues that we see in our own communications.
1: Talking Past Each Other
This is a common problem for couples.
Hearing what is being said is not enough. You need to fully understand and comprehend the message.
This happens to us more often than we would like to admit. It often stems from one or both of us assuming we already know the point the other is making or we might be too focused on our own points that we aren’t really paying attention.
True story: In the midst of a heated discussion we have stopped, taken a moment and then realized that we were actually AGREEING on the same course of action. We were just saying it in a different way.
If we had been doing what experts call “active listening,” we would have realized it sooner and saved ourselves some unnecessary glares and a lot of overly-dramatic sighs.
According to an article from Psychology Today, “Listen without interruption to what the other person has to say. Aspire to be objective and clear. Then, ask questions to make sure each side understands what the other person thinks, feels, and wants.”
2: Lack of Emotional Honesty
This is a hard one to see in the moment.
You might be discussing something that triggers you. At the time you really don’t know why. But later you realize that something your partner said hit a nerve
We’ve had this happen more than a few times.
“I might take something Glenn says the wrong way or get super defensive. Then after the moment has passed and we come back together to talk about it I realize that my negative feeling had nothing do with the current situation but it might have reminded me of a bad experience in the past. ”
The key here is to not let these moments pass without examining the true cause of the conflict. By being honest about things that you are particularly sensitive about can help your partner know how to better discuss them. You’ll be able to communicate more openly and honestly.
3: Taking Each Other for Granted
Please and Thank You.
Those are the magic words that all too often we can forget to say to our significant other.
But it’s not just about being polite. It’s recognizing the contribution you each make to the business and communicating your appreciation often.
When someone feels slighted or not valued, they might withdraw and feel less like contributing at all.
And while not exactly a communication barrier…it does make communication awkward and labored.
INTERVIEW: Andrea Dindinger, LMFT
For our interview, we welcome back frequent Couples Inc Podcast guest and relationship expert, Andrea Dindinger, LMFT.
Here’s an excerpt from the interview.
Question: We’re talking about couples getting stuck in what you call “loops.” What is a loop in a relationship?
Answer: So what a loop is, it's the same fight again and again that a couple has as a way of actually creating some connection. And each couple has the same fight again and again throughout their relationship. And we often get stuck in them and they deteriorate our connection. But in reality, they are an opportunity and a desire to create reconnection. So ironically, you're having an argument kind of like a kid acts bad to get attention.
Question: Do you find couples who have been going through loops and patterns for years before realizing that there's a way to break them?
Answer: People go through these for decades without realizing that there's another way of doing it. What's really sad about that is that those fights, they start deteriorating the connection, even though they're trying to create connection. They're actually deteriorating it.
Glenn’s Award Gallery
Glenn here. We promised photos of my awards; promises made, promises kept. Small? Yes, but each with immense merit. Top left: a statuette my grandfather won at a plumbing convention. Its inscription, “The plumber protects the health of the nation,” has never been more true. Bottom left: a holiday ornament. No idea why it’s in this group. Right: the real treasure-my Best Actor award from my senior class presentation of Desperate Ambrose. Time and sweat may have tarnished it, yet it remains undiminished.
You might also want to check out our blog on Conflict Resolution, which covers a few more communication issues.
